Motorsport World Cup

After watching England's frankly embarrassing defeat at the hands of Germany this time last week in the World Cup, it got me wondering: could we fare any better in a World Cup of motorsport? After all, England has given the world its last two F1 champions in the form of Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button, so surely we would stand a fighting chance of victory. So, I assigned each country its three finest race and rally drivers, and set about working out which nation would emerge triumphant.

Before you wail 'wasn't A1GP supposed to be the World Cup of Motorsport?' let me explain how my format is different and better (something's clearly amiss when Ireland is proclaimed motorsport champion of the world). Trying to stick as closely to the football format as possible, my world cup is essentially a long series of head-to-head battles that take place on a Race of Champions-style circuit. For those of you who have never seen the Race of Champions, it uses a track with two parallel lanes that cross over, so two drivers start in opposing lanes but end up driving both lanes. This way there is no room for racing incidents, with pure skill alone determining the outcome – both drivers using identical cars, naturally. Using the rankings from the Castrol Rankings website, I organised the nations into eight groups of four countries, as per the World Cup, with each group comprising 6 matches. I mean races.

So, the big question is how did England fare? I decided that Kris Meeke, as our country's best rally driver, should join Lewis and Jenson in salvaging glory for England. As second seeds according to Castrol, the hand of fate selected Sweden, Canada and Greece to join us in our group. Jenson Button made short work of Greece's Lambros Athanssoulas, though Kris Meeke had a slightly closer win against Canada's DTM (German Touring Cars) ace Bruno Spengler. However, it was Lewis Hamilton that let the side down, failing to best Sweden's Mattias Ekstrom. Before you scratch your head as to why one of the world's fastest drivers would've been beaten by someone you may never have even heard of, allow me to explain: Hamilton's aggressive, balls-out approach simply doesn't suit this style of racing. On the other hand, Ekstrom's does – he's a 3-time victor of the Race of Champions.

Thus, we finished second in our group, with two victories to Sweden's three. Whilst they would face a fairly gentle match-up with Austria, we had a far tougher challenge awaiting us: Australia. According to Castrol, they were the number one seeds, strolling through their group. Nonetheless, our boys were able to give the Aussies (Mark Webber, Ryan Briscoe of IndyCar fame, and former WRC star Chris Atkinson) a damn good thrashing to secure our place in the quarters, two wins to one.

Waiting for us there was none other than Germany. With a fearsome line-up of Sebastian Vettel, Nico Rosberg, and a certain Mr. Schumacher, they predictably topped their group with the greatest of ease before suitably demolishing Switzerland in the round of 16. That paved a way for a rematch of sorts. The first pair to take to the track were Vettel and Hamilton – keeping consistent with my theory of Hamilton not being at home, Germany were one-nil up. Next were Schumacher and Button, which given the former's lacklustre form in F1 this season, you'd have been forgiven for thinking we would've scored the equaliser. However I have an inclination to believe that Schumacher would still be too much for Jenson given equal machinery. Even if he wasn't, Kris Meeke would surely stand next to no chance against Nico Rosberg. Even the most patriotic optimist would have to concede that our hopes of surviving this encounter were very slim indeed.

Germany would go on to face fifth seeds France in the semi-final. Fresh from crushing Italy and then Brazil, six-time World Rally Champion Sebastien Loeb would probably have had the measure of all three Germans, only to be let down by his teammates and namesakes Ogier (also of the WRC) and Bourdais (Champ Car supremo-turned F1 reject). The German steamroller therefore continues. In the other semi-final, our former adversaries Sweden would have fallen to the mighty Finnish rally driving-trio of Mikko Hirvonen, Jari-Matti Latvala and Kimi Raikkonen. That would set up a classic encounter between the F1 giant of Germany and the Rallying giant of Finland for the final, which by my predictions Germany would have just about come out on top of, three wins to two. Well, at least we lost to the eventual winners!

First Round

Group A: Australia (1), Austria,
Colombia (13), Monaco

Group B: Sweden, England (2), Canada (16), Greece

Group C: Germany (3), Norway (13), Czech Republic, United Arab Emirates

Group D: United States (4), Switzerland, Poland (12), Japan

Group E: France (5), Scotland (9), South Africa, Malaysia

Group F: Finland (6), Italy (11), Estonia, India

Group G: Brazil (7), Portugal, New Zealand (10), Argentina

Group H: Spain (8), Denmark, Russia (15), Indonesia

Second Round

England (2) bt. Australia (1)

Germany (3) bt. Switzerland

France (5) bt. Italy (11)

Brazil (7) bt. Denmark

Sweden bt. Austria

Norway (13) bt. United States (4)

Finland (6) bt. Scotland (9)

Spain (8) bt. Portugal

Quarter Finals

Germany (3) bt. England (2)

France (5) bt. Brazil (7)

Sweden bt. Norway (13)

Finland (6) bt. Spain (8)

Semi Finals

Germany (3) bt. France (5)

Finland (6) bt. Sweden

Final

Germany (3) bt. Finland (6)

Failed to Qualify

Morocco, Mexico, Venezuela, Netherlands, Belgium, Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland, Wales, Romania, Bulgaria, Slovenia, Hungary, Turkey, Lebanon, Qatar, Bahrain, China, Hong Kong, Macau, Singapore, Thailand, South Korea